Back in the day, I used to be straight.
As you can see from the picture above, I had great style that consisted of skirts that made me appear as though I had a phallic erection, and white granny panties that luckily were not graced with period stains when this picture was taken.
I also sat like a man.
Whatever.
My freshman year of college, I was still figuring out my sexuality *
* bitches, I knew I was gay when I first saw an episode of the show Growing Pains. Everyone was like "dude...Mike Sever is super ~*cute*~ (they totally typed it with those weird symbols) and I was like...you guys....the mom is kind of banging hot in a 'i just wanna be her best friend' kind of way.
Because I just wanted a bunch of really hot best friends that were girls.
So when I say I was figuring out my sexuality, I was baiting time until I decided to become gay.
I probably could have phrased that better.
Become gay.
Scissor.
I was baiting my time until I could openly scissor.
Much better.
Anways, as many of you know, I was staying at my roommate Petra's dorm for much of my first semester, and her entire house got along so well. And I was like that adopted kid from China that Angelina adopted and everyone is like 'ehh why'd you adopt it, but its kind of dependent on us now so we can't kick it out' so they were nice to me.
So we came up with a game.
It was called the Star Chart.
While I would love to say that it is an astronomical masterpiece of our knowledge of the galaxies and Uranus, it was far from that.
You guys, the rules were super complex.
Example:
You started with a name.
Ashley.
Then if you hooked up with someone, you got a star according to the amount of distance you travelled in or around one's genitals.
Makeout: one star
Hand job/fingered: two stars
Blowjob/tuna casserole: three stars
Penetration/intercourse: four stars
Anal sex: - 4 stars
So like say me and a guy go out and we make out then I jack him off and he goes down on me (I hope my mom isn't reading this but she probably is. Hi mom, this will teach you to read my diary that's on the Internet for everyone to read you pervert!)
Ashley: *****
See?
So as many of you know, I am the most competitive person in the world. I attribute it to the lack of affection my parents showed me as a child, and as a means of commanding attention, I had to win everything.
Including my parents hearts.
:*(
I hope you are still reading mom.
Analways.
Side story: I was babysitting this girl once and we were playing "break the egg" on the trampoline and she uncracked me. So when it was my turn, I jumped so hard next to her that she literally flew up 10 feet in the air, landed on her knee with her face and her nose erupted in blood.
But I won.
And really, that's all that matters.
So seeing as I have no mercy for 9 year olds, this star chart was going to be no different.
Freshman year, our friend Aaron joined a frat at UC Berkeley. As a means to open one of his frat parties, he invited me and my friend (I will keep you nameless but you know who you are) to represent him as his dates.
He told us the usual. Dress slutty and be ready to drink.
Ogay!!!
So we went in my closet and picked out my one Old Navy jean skirt, and I borrowed a whore top and a real bra *not sports bra* and proceeded over to UC Berkeley.
When we arrived there, I was a bit confused.
Bitches were wearing Pajamas.
Not like hot pajamas. Like flannel pants with Tigger on them.
We had been tricked. It was a pajama party and we showed up like two craigslist massage therapists with a happy ending in their purse.
So naturally, if you are a dude...are you going to make out with the girl dressed as a slut? Or are you going to make out with the girl wearing polar bear slippers with Donkey Kong boxers?
(I'd actually go for the PJ girl...)
Sensing this as a weird advantage, like a #1 draft opportunity, I knew I needed to make the most of the situation to propel myself into the lead in the Star Game. I was not the leader, but definitely a contender, and a night like this could win the trophy (a handle of vodka. my god we were sluts)
done capitalizing. too much effort.
anyways, i got started immediately. i set my sights on a cute guy, who actually turned out to be slightly handicapped, but i didnt let that stop me. ryan. down.
*
every corner i could turn, i was making out with guys. in the hot tub, in the pantry, in a random midgets room (not even lying) (ok it was the midget) (jesus christ this is making me look bad no wonder why im gay)
*************
then i met him. the boy of my dreams.
sergio.
he was from italy or somewhere. maybe like fresno. something exotic. and we just hit it off so much. if i liked the cock, id totally like his in more than a plastic with aharness sense, but i felt safe with him, and decided to settle.
so we go downstairs into the hot tub room, and we are making out, maybe more
(**)
when i hear a splash come from across the hot tub.
wtf?
suddenly another frat brother appears. matthew. i wonder what he could want after being a perv for 5 minutes watching us hookup.
he decides to chat, and then he starts making out with me (*) when i come up with an idea.
like..what would propel me into total victory. this was like the Hunger Games, it was life or death.
and it occurred to me.
"how would you guys feel about a threesome?"
they pause. at first, they are repulsed. no. that's gay. oh it is? and you guys parading around half naked for your pledging isn't?
then, they begin to consider it.
and they swim to the other side of the hot tub to discuss.
they come back with a verdit.
"ok."
its on.
i position myself in the middle and resume the positon of 'skiing'
you might have to urban dictionary that one.
Skiing The act of delivering dual simultaneous hand-jobs simulating the motions of a cross-country skier. This action is usually performed while ‘Sitting Bitch’ in a pickup truck (front seat center position) but any vehicle with a bench seat will suffice.
you guys, i really wanted to win.
we skiied and made out for a bit. nothing was a black diamond as far as difficulty or enjoyment, but i went along with it. the whole time i was drier than the mojave and thinking about the galaxy i was single...double-handidly creating.
midway through our little expedition, i hear a knock at the door and the familiar voice of my best friend. she is talking to someone and all i can hear it 'i just want to see if my friend is ok.'
she did not want to see if i was ok.
she knew exactly what was going on.
she busts through the door wielding a camera, and without warning, i look up laughing to see a picture go off.
she pulls me out of the hot tub and tells me that we need to return to the dorm where we will be sleeping.
i look at both guys sitting next to each other naked in the hot tub with boners and i take the hotter one back to the room with me where i proceeded to put BACK ON my clothes and tell them that'd we'd only be hanging out 8th grade status, i.e. all touching will be done over my sports bra and hanes her way.
the next morning we wake up and make our way back to ssu. i felt gratified, like a whore and smelled oddly of fetal alcohol syndrome and shame.
when we got back to the dorm, i immediately went to the fridge and began to write my stars in like we had just found some hubble telescope in the back yard and i was reporting my observations.
literally it looked like this.
everyone else (combined) ******
ashley ********************************************************************************************************************************
the next day, i went on my myspace (you guys this was before the days of THEfacebook) and saw that my bff had posted a 'puzzle surprise' on my wall. it was a picture that it scrambled into puzzle pieces that you assemble.
as i began putting the pieces together (figuratively and literally), i noticed that i was assembling my prior night in the hot tub.
then i only had a few pieces left.
one such was a jigsaw piece of just my naked cooter, only censored by some cloudy hot tub water.
oh god. i dont want to know why it was cloudy.
the other was of a giant penis resting on my leg.
and finally, perhaps the best piece of all, was the look of shock on my face that a picture was being taken.
since myspace has basically become more extinct than the career of famed actor jonathan taylor thomas, i cannot locate the picture, nor do i feel comfortable enough for all 4 of my blog followers to see my 19 year old lady berry.
she looked delicious in her debut spread though.
see what i did there?
moral of the story:
sometimes threesomes work for people. sometimes people just prefer twosomes. personally, i just prefer a quiet friday night with an emily dickens novel and a hot tub of tea reflecting on what events in my life led me to where i am now.
this is one of them.
hey snow season is coming up? who wants to go? i've recently converted to snowboarding...;)
0 comments:
Post a Comment