Dirty Girl.

So, I am going to blog again. And do it with pictures. I realized that the following story was blocked from my blind much like a traumatic event. And like some 'nam soldier having a PTSD flashback, it came to me like a splash of hot water on one's vagina.

Wait. Did I kill the punch line? Ok let's proceed.

As many of you know, I studied abroad in Sweden. It was a great experience, and I spent a lot of my time absorbing the local culture by sampling all of their local beers and then eating every fried food I could get my intoxicated hands on.

Seriously I gained so much weight.

I looked pregnant. But the fetus didn't implant itself in just my gut. It implanted itself in one of my 4 chins, my inner thighs, my lower back and my wrists. I got so bloated from drinking so much that my wrists got fat. I looked like the extra member of Wilson Phillips who sings great, but looks like a whale holding a corn dog when she sings.

Anyways, for some reason, I thought it would be a great idea to see one of my neighboring Scandinavian countries in the best way possible: a booze cruise to Finland. It was put on by my school (at least that's what I told my mom) and I was sold when they said they had wine on draft.

Wine.

On draft.

I mean seriously? That's like discovering how to make fire. And like fire, it can be very dangerous, yet warming at the same time.

So we all board the boat. I'm looking super fly with my hair in one of those little poofs on top of my head. I had a cute shirt on. And I had a cute skirt covering up the present underneath.

Want to know what the present was?

Hint.

Granny panties.

Crisp. White. Potential hole in the crotch from a dog chewing them.

I screamed sex.

As we get on the board, we make our way to our cabin to where I was staying with three of my friends from class: Amie, Amy and Sarah. Our cabin was roughly the size of a matchbox, so we all had to coordinate and take turns standing up. It literally was like in shifts who could get dressed or go to the bathroom. If it wasn't your turn to stand up, you laid on your mattress, which was comparable to that of a nursing home mattress where a patient had just died on it. It was filthy, disgusting and best of all: it was cheap.

So after we all get ready (see: hot), we head down to the main area for dinner and drinks. I don't really remember dinner. In fact, the only thing I remember was the wine on draft. And as for specifics on that, I just remember someone calling last call, and I remember sticking my head under the red wine tap and drinking it like it was water after a long game of soccer.

After dinner, we all headed up to the dance club (this boat was amazing) where many of our classmates were already dancing.

And that's where I saw him.

I think his name was Sven.

or like Swan?

Maybe David?

Whatever. I saw him. And we instantly connected. According to my friend, one minute we were dancing, and the next he had me thrown up against a rail with his hand all up in my lady pocket.

I'd see him around before, he was friends with my friend Lars, and all I knew was he had on a black shirt and was from Switzerland. And I think at that point in my year abroad, we were actively playing a game of who can hook up with the most countries.

News flash:

Girls can be pimps too.

So there we are, on the dance floor, just dancing. And by dancing, I mean he literally had his had in my crotch like it was the fountain of youth, as all my friends looked on with hilarity.

Suddenly I realized something.

I have standards.

(Remember that statement because it goes downhill)

Who am I to be drunk off draft wine. Red stained teeth. Matted down hair. Denim skirt. Who am I to be FINGERED by SOME DUDE on a DANCE FLOOR in FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.

This is a little bit too white trash of me. Let's move the party.

So I tell him that we should just go back to my room, and he agrees.

We head to the elevator. I push some random buttons, because at this point, I don't know what fucking floor my room is on. I don't even know that I have a room. In fact, I think the elevator is my room at one point.

As we are in the elevator, we start making out again hardcorexx and he decides he wants to go down on me.

Um Hello! No you can't go down on me! I'm on my period! I have a tampon in! (When he was going to second base, as noted above, it was not pen)

Here's how it went down.

(scene starts in elevator, on cruise ship, with George Michael playing faintly in the distance)

Him: I want to eat your pussy
Me: Ew, don't say it like that
Him: Can I?
Me: Um no...I'm on my period (future self: you are also in an elevator)
Him: I don't care ::rips tampon out and throws it::

..............................................................................

'::rips tampon out and throws it::'

I mean at that point, you really have no say.

So I let him do it.

Except do you remember how I said I had no idea what floor I was on? We didn't end up pushing a button for the elevator. And we were so wrapped up in our sexcapade, that we didn't notice that the elevator was moving.

Nor did we notice when it opened until I opened my eyes when I heard people screaming.

And without interrupting the act before me, I leaned over and hit the "close doors" button. Which as everyone knows, takes roughly 2 minutes to close.

This little open/close elevator show went on for about 10 floors, until it opened on two of my friends, and I was mortified. They were literally crying from laughter, and I really hoped they didn't notice the tampon in the corner.

Bless their hearts, they alerted me to the fact that I had indeed reached the right floor (finally) after giving nearly 20 international students the show of their life, while simultaneously leaving a bit more of my pride on each floor.

So okay. We were one step closer to the room. We were on the right floor. Next obstacle. Room number. I had no idea, but there were only 50 rooms on the floor, my key was bound to work on one.

It didn't work on the first 20.

And since patience wasn't a virtue either of us had, we decided to find some privacy and hook up more.

We went behind one of those trash cans with an ash tray on top of it.

I realized that I'm fb friends with my cousins, so I'll spare some details. We both hit triples. Behind a trash can. Until some more of my friends found me and escorted us back to our room, which was on the complete opposite end of the hall.

FINALLY we are at our room.

The only problem was there was some chick in the room who I didn't know.

Flashback.

This potentially wasn't my room.

Continue.

So, because we were super modest and full of respect at this point, we decided to continue hooking up in the bathroom.

Pause.

I don't know if you guys have ever been on a cruise ship bathroom. But they aren't the cleanest things in the world.

Okay, now turn that cruise ship bathroom and turn it into a third world country bathroom. Except Sweden isn't a third world country. But imagine the type of bathroom on a booze cruise. With college kids.

Do you think that shit is clean? No.

I would have been better off washing myself with dead crabs and flossing with cod bones.

So we get in there and we start hooking up. I'm up on the sink and he's all up in/around me, when suddenly he pops up like he's fucking Einstein with an idea.

"I know what girls like"

Oh you do? Show me.

He then grabs the detachable shower head, turns on the water and shoves it in my cooter.

I got one look at the showerhead before it...'washed' me. The little holes where the water comes out were clogged with this weird mold/fungus/std shit and before i had a chance to say NOOOOO! USE A DENTAL DAM! GIRLS DON'T LIKE THIS! it was right up in her.

And the water.

Was scalding.

I was like HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS.

To which he replies "You dirty girl, you like this you dirty girl, dirty girls like this."

When did I get upgraded to dirty girl?

It wasn't when you went down on me in the elevator in front of people?

It wasn't when you ripped out my tampon?

It wasn't when I went down on you behind a trash can?

OH.

I know when it was.

It was when you shoved a DIRTY showerhead in my CLEAN vagina.

Of course I'm a fucking dirty girl now!

AND NOGIRLSDONTLIKETHIS.

So I promptly removed Niagra Falls from my crotch, and turned it on him. And I was like HOW DOES THIS FEEL?! And he fucking loved it! HE LOVED IT. I called him "dirty boy" OH YOU LIKE HOW HOT THIS IS DIRTY BOY YOU DENTAL DAM HATING DIRTY BOY.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I was sobering up and realizing that I don't need to be hitting all the bases with some dude who is gonna give me a douche filled with ocean water that most likely will end with a prescription for a UTI and 15 hours of therapy.

So I booted him.

I was like dude, I'm hella tired, you need to go back to Switzerland or Zimbabwe or wherever the fuck you came from.

And he looked super hurt and sad. Granted he was hella nice because I wouldn't let him put it in me, but still. I was over it. I was ready to pass out on the bed that wasn't mine next to some stranger I didn't know.

(haha I just found some photos I'm gonna post)

So as I'm kicking him out, he turns and looks at me with these sad eyes and goes 'I want something to remember you by.'

And I just stared at him.

Then he reached up, plucked the bobby pin out of my hair that was holding up my poof...and walked away.

Without thinking twice, I climbed into bed and slept until people I recognized came back with a sense of shame/pride.

The next day, I got off the boat to see Finland, and as I got on the shore, I looked at someone and said...

'does this count as going to Finland?'

They said yes.

Without hesitation, I turned on one foot and walked back on the boat. Where I passed out in a chair on the deck and placed cold packs on my vagina.

I haven't been to Finland since.

Its too soon.

I'm ending this so I can post some pics to capture the trip:





obviously we were a match made in heaven.

the aftermath: